Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Trying to fight and forge ahead despite setbacks

It ain't easy being me. Between PTSD and depression, both of which originate from very bad things I underwent in my childhood, life is a struggle. I struggle to stay alive; I struggle to do something meaningful with my life despite the black pain which returns and floods me once and again like a dark wave. But I fight. I have no other option. I do far less than I would like to, I have so many great ideas but only a little of them get realized as sometimes my free time is taken over by dark thoughts and darker crying.

But I am trying to fight ahead! Despite all this pain, I am trying to do something with my life. Gaming gives me joy; writing gives me a purpose in life and a reason to live. The other reason I have to live is my spouse, Einat Harari, and my mother, Sarah "Suri" Golan. I live for them, and I live to write. And I am fighting. The struggle is difficult, and other than the support of my spouse and mother, and a few close friends to whom I reveal my inner darkness, and some mild sedatives, there is no outside support. I have to fight on by myself. And I will continue to fight as long I am alive, hopefully for many years.

My next goal is to finally finish the draft for Barbarian Conqueror King. Once BCK is finished, I am going to work on Visions of Empire as a commercial setting for the next edition of Mongoose Traveller (I will start writing it only AFTER BCK is done). All the meanwhile I will continue to run my bi-weekly BCK campaign using D&D5E/ACKS hybrid rules (there might be some conversion notes ready after I finish writing the draft).

I will fight! I will never give up to darkness! I will forge ahead no matter the pain!

12 comments:

  1. Sorry I'm not too good with words - keep writing and keep living we appreciate both!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I get the black waves, too, and for much the same reason. Hang in there--don't let the bastards win! when feeling low I try to remind myself of advice that goes something like, "You're wiser than you'll ever know, stronger than you realize, and more resourceful than you can imagine." Corny to some people, I suppose, but it has helped me. So has medication. (My son is depressed, but refuses to "become dependent on drugs." So foolish.) What has also helped is to match every dark thought with a light one: something good that I've done, something beautiful that I've seen, a person that I've helped (or has helped me). As I said, hang in there. The world is short of good people--don't reduce the number by 1, OK?

    Yours,

    Chris Johnson

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry, I will stay alive, I am fighting for this... Not an easy struggle, but I will stay alive.

      I am taking medication against anxiety, which work well, and against depression, which works to a certain degree, but it is far from perfect. By the way you don't really get dependent on antidepressants, only on the older anti-anxiety medications (I did have a Clonazepam dependency in the past, managed to get rid of it). Modern medication is not really addictive. I hope your son will eventually see reason, and find a good psychiatrist, this really helps, though not completely so.

      Delete
  4. I feel you dude. I also deal with PTSD, from my time in the military. Some days are good, some are bad. But I have a family that supports me, a good long time girlfriend and even though he will be passing soon because of a terminal sickness my hound has helped a lot.
    Are hobby is a good focus and helps a lot more then suck it up and bare it or drink the pain away mentality of a lot of my old peers.
    Hell lots of people I know suffer from it. My folks from there time in the military, a few former gfs because (we where just not compatible in the long run) of abusive pasts.
    Hang in there dude. We are pulling for you.

    Cheers.
    Chris Moody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your support!

      As for me, my spouse helps me, my mother sometimes, sometimes my friends, and sometimes my two cats - and very interestingly I also find watching wild lizards very calming (a lot of them here in Israel).

      Delete
    2. I got a few of them in my back yard too, little dudes come out at dusk to enjoy the heat of the rocks and to snag a few slow bugs

      Delete
  5. Sorry to hear about what you are going through. It sounds like hell.

    Dude, I may be half a world away but if you ever need to unload or chat you know where I am.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Many thanks for your kind words and support.

      Delete
  6. Omer, Fight On! and know that you're not alone. I'm praying for you, and I'd bet I'm not the only one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your support and prayers...

      Delete